The source of disappointment

We live in an uncertain universe--no secret there. Life seems to be in a constant state of unceasing transformation. People and situations come and go from our lives. Expecting things to go in a certain way or others to behave how we think they should is setting ourselves up for disappointment. It isn't the person or the situation that has let us down but our clinging to the idea of how things "should" be. Life isn't compelled to play by our rules. It almost seems like life takes a special delight in questioning our assumptions and shattering our expectations. Ultimately, this is a beautiful thing. Life is a great teacher and by the time we breathe our last breath we'll likely have a PhD in letting go.

A letter to a friend

"What kind of universe is this that people get tortured, children die, there's war and disease, and everything lives only by death?"

I'm not sure if there's any answer to this question, at least not a "true" one. It's obvious that there must be varying qualities for life to be experienced. We just want to be rid of the unpleasant half of the equation but that doesn't seem in any way possible. What certain people have realized is that the majority of our discontent comes from our thinking process. It's unlikely that the uncertain essence of life will fundamentally change but if we can drop our assumptions, expectations and beliefs about it, maybe we can meet and even embrace it as it is. 

For me there have been a few of what could be seen as major "awakenings." The first was to the simple fact of consciousness, the second was the realization of the folly and fallibility of knowledge and the third was the recognition that this too--this present life, as we know it, is the perfect expression of nature, just like a pine cone, that we humans are just another species trying to do what every over species does--trying to thrive. This is one of the things that can happen with cosmic stardust.

A few weeks ago, I was experiencing some new parent hell. There was no point in trying to avoid it, that would only make the suffering worse. There is some challenging shit that comes up in life, no point in trying to deny that. It seems though that everything that we live through has the potential to wake us up to another, perhaps formerly unknown realm of experience and to expand our understanding and compassion. Seeing what my mom has gone through has helped me empathize with old people and seeing what me and MJ have gone through has helped me empathize with parents.

Leaving questions unanswered

Who am I? What is the meaning of life? I think most human beings have asked these questions at one time or another in their lives. There is the bustling marketplace of belief where a great many answers to these questions are peddled with unflinching conviction but one thing that can be asked of all of those offering such wares - how do you KNOW?

For years I sought security in an image of self. Of course I preferred to have a good self image but when something within me would prove that image wrong, I felt crushed and destroyed. A negative self image isn't satisfying either and it can be proven false at any time as well. Now I try to live in the moment and see what it is showing me. All kinds of thoughts and feelings make their appearances. Now I experience life (which includes ourselves, of course!) not as a thing that can be known or comprehended but as being constantly revealed. It's strange how satisfying I find NOT thinking I have the answers.

To me, life is a great mystery. In the emptiness of mind, there is an effortless way of being. Fear is absent as there is no projecting into the unknown happening--there is only what is present. What is present? The only way to know is to be present--preconceptions and assumptions are no help here. It is an ever-unfolding journey. One has no idea where the next step will take them. It is a beautiful journey and I am filled with much gratitude. Even the rough parts of the road reveal hidden treasures and new depths. Expect the unexpected!

Thinking about death...

This morning I woke up thinking about death (a rarity for me these days) and it occurred to me that death is only experienced as a problem if you think about it. What do we really know about death, other than the second-hand ideas we've picked up from one source or another? When I was younger, there was a time when I was obsessed with dying so I read as much about near-death experiences as I could since I figured that they are the closest that we have to firsthand accounts of what it's like to die. I tried to wrap my head around these accounts and come up with a viable explanation for them but really, the more I read the less I could explain them. Now I find it more pleasing or at least, less dis-easing, to not have any preconceptions--I'll find out what death is when I get there (or not).

Looking back on my little stint as a non-duality enthusiast, I can see that often our ideas about being eternal awareness or any such concepts may simply be a coping mechanism for the underlying fear of death. Afraid of non-existence and the relentless river of change that is life, we imagine and cling to the belief in an absolute, unchanging "Self" (with a capitol "S," of course!) that is untouched by anything that happens to us. I can't say with any certainty whether there is such a thing or not but it smacks to me of denial--it denies the unceasing transformation that we experience life as.

The hungry ghost of the conceptual self wants a meal (intellectual Truth) but an imaginary self could only eat an imaginary meal. Truth isn't known, only lived. Learning about ourselves and life is a never-ending journey. It is a constant revelation. Any concepts we cling to only mask what is actually taking place in this moment. It takes a very open mind and heart to be with life without armor and boundaries, then there is only life and no "me" that is believed to be apart from it. This state of openness isn't achieved but is found to be effortlessly present when we quit mistaking thoughts for reality.