Leaving questions unanswered

Who am I? What is the meaning of life? I think most human beings have asked these questions at one time or another in their lives. There is the bustling marketplace of belief where a great many answers to these questions are peddled with unflinching conviction but one thing that can be asked of all of those offering such wares - how do you KNOW?

For years I sought security in an image of self. Of course I preferred to have a good self image but when something within me would prove that image wrong, I felt crushed and destroyed. A negative self image isn't satisfying either and it can be proven false at any time as well. Now I try to live in the moment and see what it is showing me. All kinds of thoughts and feelings make their appearances. Now I experience life (which includes ourselves, of course!) not as a thing that can be known or comprehended but as being constantly revealed. It's strange how satisfying I find NOT thinking I have the answers.

To me, life is a great mystery. In the emptiness of mind, there is an effortless way of being. Fear is absent as there is no projecting into the unknown happening--there is only what is present. What is present? The only way to know is to be present--preconceptions and assumptions are no help here. It is an ever-unfolding journey. One has no idea where the next step will take them. It is a beautiful journey and I am filled with much gratitude. Even the rough parts of the road reveal hidden treasures and new depths. Expect the unexpected!

Ob La Di

Life goes on. Any conceptual footholds that I once might have taken refuge in are washed away by the flow. I am a father now. Indescribable seeing that little one born, the tiny chest heaving... life goes on.

After his birth, it struck me that many absolutist and transcendent philosophies (such as Advaita Vedanta and certain schools of Buddhism) are rooted in a fear of living. They call the world an illusion and tell the seeker of peace to control their passions and cultivate detachment. The approach could be summed up--"nothing touches." I like coming at it from the opposite angle. Instead of denying life and calling it "unreal,“ seeing that everything touches, living the reality of constant change and transformation. Detachment is a cowards way. Why seek some philosophical or physical opiate to dull one's feelings? Why not feel deeply? Is there actually a separate self that can withdraw safely into itself at all or is there only living, in it's fullness and completeness? The true path of transcendence is into the heart of life, not away from it.

This is an imperfect, linguistic representation my view at the moment, subject to change, of course!

Things have changed!

Since the last time I posted, my outlook has changed considerably. Over a couple of decades of seeking, I managed to internalize a lot of ideas. I find that clear seeing requires not being under the sway of ANY concepts, no matter how "spiritual" they are or good they make us feel. Though the philosophy of Advaita (non duality) is often seen as the "end of the road" I found myself even questioning that set of concepts and beliefs. At a certain point it struck me how little I actually know. It was very humbling because it was clear to me that, in that moment, I knew NOTHING yet I still WAS. It became clear to me that, for adherents of it, even non duality is a belief system. Admittedly, it can be a powerful pointer--the very notion that nothing is separate, but I find myself to be most clear when NO ideas are clung to.

I have shared this realization with some non duality folks on facebook and it has mostly gone over like a fart in church. We of course get invested in our identities, even when the identity is the idea that we don't have an identity!

Existence doesn't require any thoughts or descriptions, these mental formulations are secondary and this is where most if not all of the problems in our lives lay--that we mistake ideas for truth.When that quits happening life is experienced as wholeness. All divisions lie in thought. Of course there is no actual separation between consciousness and what appears within it: life.

It is easy to speak absolutely when one has learned how to. Nisargadatta did this very often. Though I have found much of what he said to be helpful, I have to question if he actually knew with absolute certainty everything he was saying... I doubt it!

"Myth of the Ego" nearly done

My second ND work, "Myth of the Ego" is nearly done. I project that, with an introduction, etc, that it will be around 100 pages. It has been a simple, easy process--basically a case of automatic writing. Ideas came "down the pipe" fully formed and I just wrote them down. It seems that there has been no or at least very little personal involvement.

I met some nice folks yesterday who are interested in "the subject". I told them midway through our discussion that talking about the subject with earnest people always makes me feel high as a kite. The illusion (of separation) is seen through, revealing the ever-present being/consciousness/bliss.

I also got some very sad news about a family friend who died and I cried like a baby. I would like to help dismantle the idea that when one lives life (mostly) not believing in the self image/ego idea, there is no more sadness and life becomes our image of perfection. Consciousness is challenging and presents a lot of complex situations and scenarios. The only way, in my humble opinion, to navigate it happily is to have a very simple approach. NOTHING could be simpler than the open, crystal-clear, field of awareness. No matter what traumas and dramas afflict us in life, it is unscathed, available and omnipresent. It is peace in the seeming chaos of life. By grace it is shown that this serenity is always available, here and now, as what I AM. Also, it is known that it is OK for the human element to express itself as it does. There is not one atom or particle of creation that exists on its own in a vacuum--all is one. There is no division between awareness and the world that appears within and of it.

Death

Should I fear death and the dissolution of the body?

No. We were never a body to begin with. No object ever existed except as a movement of the light of consciousness. Our nature is clear, timeless, immaterial, unmanifest. Though the appearance of forms arises from and within our spacious field of knowing, we are not, nor were we ever limited to any form. Form is the expression of the formless. The finite is the appearance of the infinite. The particular is the expression of the universal. Time is the appearance of the timeless. We are that universal, infinite being and not subject to such things as birth, death or decay.

Clarity IS

Clarity IS, regardless of whatever thought story is currently appearing in it, even a tale of abject suffering and confusion. It takes the clarity--the empty, knowing presence--that spacious, aware void, for anything to appear. It is that very absence that expresses itself as every thing. It is present and absent at the same time. This is amazing beyond words. Grace and gratefulness gush out of this void. It is love. To be that without identification with the obfuscating belief in division is bliss.

Concepts and other forms arise like clouds in front of the sun. They all pass and the sun still shines. The sun gives rise to them and also burns them away. This all happens without any personal involvement.

Suffering under the idea of isolation leads to the urge to escape and seeking is born. One doesn't enjoy the sensation of limitation and rightly so--it is a dis-ease! Seeking will play itself out, sooner or later when one sees that the isolation isn't real, that one was never apart from the infinite, that there is ONLY THAT. You realize that, as the infinite, you were playing a game with yourself and that all of the drama, pain and suffering were because of an identification with form and misapprehension of one's true nature as clarity. The seeing is the being is the knowing--non-conceptually. This is inevitable as it is already the case.

Am I really awakened?

Sometimes, upon hearing of other folk's enlightenment stories, the thought will arise: "Am I really awakened?" and then, "Of course not. Where is there a 'me' for such a thing to happen to?"

If you meet Ramana on the road, kill him.

As of NOW, I am officially saturated with Ramana Maharshi quotes. While it's true that he had a great, simple way of expressing things, to deify him and think that he had something that we don't is a HUGE mistake. His life was no more sacred than yours. You are no less a perfect expression of the infinite than he was. He is kind of the ultimate non-duality poster boy with his ascetic, slender body and loin cloth but it would be silly to make some kind of template out of his image, to assume that his lifestyle made him closer to God/truth than we are. I very much respect Ramana, his eloquent pointers and his (reportedly) kind demeanor but I don't worship him as any holier than anyone else. Love is reverence for everything, the innate knowing that life in ALL of its expressions is sacred.

I am a "liver", I like to enjoy life. It is no more sacred to meditate in a cave than to have a beer in a pub. Both appearances are expressions of the unmanifest, the aware emptiness at the heart of life. That anything appears at all is amazing! It is a fabulous, inexplicable miracle.


Wherever you are,
well there you go,
you've got to admit,
it's a hell of a show!

Words

When we let go of words, they come back to serve us.

There are times when I think about talking about non-duality or answering questions and, in these moments, I struggle to find the right words to express it. There might be some "cookie-cutter" non duality platitudes that I think to myself: "It's all oneness" or whatever. It's a pointless exercise. I find the clearest expressions come through when one lets the words come out by themselves. The unprepared answer is the most honest and applicable to the situation or question. One becomes a conduit for speaking and finds that they can express things that they don't even consciously know. The conscious mind can hold an amazing amount of information but it is still and always limited. The empty awareness holds ALL knowledge and experience, I find that it can express itself better than an imaginary "me" ever could.

The Parable of Form

When anything is seen, it is God (the infinite) seeing itself as the parable of form.
Pondering the parable of form doesn't bring any clarity, clarity is already present as that which sees.

Another way to say this: When we see the objective appearance as having its own independent existence, life seems extremely complex and perplexing. How did it all start? How will it all end? How did I get here? etc. But, when we see that the universe is simply an appearance of and within consciousness then we know that it relies on the knowing principle for its existence. I am that awareness from which the universe arises and to which it will set. Being this, that I AM, is ultimate clarity, unobstructed and unbound by any concept. We are already free, we just believe in a thought story of bondage and limitation.

Radio interview

To anyone who is interested, here is a link to an interview with me on the radio show, "Conversations with Avant-garde Sages with Trip Overholt and John Troy. They have a new show every Tuesday between noon and 1pm. They are based out of Chapel Hill, NC at WCOM 103.5 FM but you can listen to it anywhere in the world using this link and clicking on the red button at the right. All of their shows are archived as well on the same page. Enjoy!

Oneness

When the thought story of separation is no longer believed in then life is experienced as oneness.

In oneness, all dualities are seamlessly merged as that which knows them. This is already and always the case but gets overlooked in favor of fascination with concepts, selflessly and effortlessly arising in oneness.

What is already present

The thought of a future enlightenment keeps one distracted from what is already present.

While identified with a certain portion of the appearance that we call "me", we feel isolated, limited and afraid. This contraction doesn't feel good or right (it's a dis-ease), so we seek a way out of it. Some "spiritual teachers" might have some suggestions how we achieve awakening to escape this state of suffering. In the hoping and striving for that better future state, we miss what is already the case, here and now. 

The "me" is just a thought story. It is a conceptual bundling of certain perceptions into a nonexistent separate self. If that story is not believed in or pauses for a moment then it is seen that there is an open, sentient space in which thoughts and other forms appear. This openness knows no boundaries or limitations and has no problems. This is what we are, not the fleeting images. Please don't take my word for it though, look for yourself. Any believed in concept, including that of non-duality is detrimental to direct seeing. Being (shared by all) is not a concept.

"You are close to attainment!"

A young student of zen asked his wizened old master how to tell if he was near enlightenment.
His master replied: "When you can pee two streams at will, you are close to attainment."
The student knew what he had to do so, every time he urinated, he started trying to force his urine into two streams. He started drinking more water so he could piss more often and he struggled and pushed to make this happen.
After two years of trying day and night, he gave up.
He went to his master and said: "Master, I have tried for a very long time to piss in two streams and found that it can't be done. I have given up."
The master replied: "Now, you are close to attainment!"
The next time the student peed, without even trying, the miraculous happened.

Whatever works.

Whatever works is fine. There are a million different ways to say what is being said. There are an endless variety of words that the subject could be cloaked in. There are paths that appeal to heart, mind and body. Some explain it with concepts such as God and Goddess. Some use ideas such as Mind and no-mind, Self and no-self to attempt to point at "it". Some say it is the only thing we can know, others call it the ultimate Mystery. Some call it "emptiness" and some say "fullness". Some don't think about it at all and never will and that's perfectly appropriate too. All of these words represent the seeking of a transpersonal understanding--a perspective that isn't limited by narrow definitions of self, space and time.

My expression is no better than anyone else's. If you find it helpful, that's good. If not, that's fine too. All words come from and are known by the same source, regardless of if they seem to be clear or confused.

To me, it is important to be able to put aside the words, no matter how cherished they are. In this moment, without clinging to conceptual models, what IS? If we can briefly set aside our ideas about the nature of existence, what is left? What is our direct (non-conceptual) experience in this moment?

Love...

Love is God recognizing itself.

For folks for whom the word "God" has negative connotations: Love is the infinite recognizing itself.

While mistaking arising concepts for truth, we believe in a complex world of separate objects. When no longer confounded by the thought story, we recognize the entire universe as our Self. This is unconditional love.

Who am I?

I am not a "teacher". Teaching and learning are useful when learning functional knowledge but being/existence can't be taught. If being didn't exist, you wouldn't be reading these words that I am typing. Presence is already present and doesn't need to be learned. We all ALREADY share this common awareness. Beware of those who would sell it to you.

The personal is the perfect expression of the infinite

With the human species, it seems that the development of the ego obscures our unity with all things and their source. We can trace back all of our "problems" to this idea of separation. Why did such a concept arise? In the appearance, humans have a highly (some might say "over") developed brain and the capacity for abstract thought. This ability to think abstractly is useful in solving functional problems but we don't stop there, we try to understand ourselves and the universe we live in with it. This leads to a self image and then a concept of the universe, apart from oneself. This is the primary (first) dualistic notion from which all others arise. While living under this assumption of separation, life seems extremely complex and fearsome as one has become identified with a particular body/mind appearance and fears its destruction.

What has really happened, though? We're we ever apart? Of course not. Even from a purely materialistic standpoint, we are intimately connected to the universe from the moment of conception. The body is nothing other than the elements of the planet configured in a certain pattern and we would die in moments without air, water and food. Take a step further and you are in the unified field of physics where all matter is really just energy in motion and we know that energy cannot be created or destroyed.

So what is life? Why is all of this happening? Did God make a huge mistake by creating humanity, inviting evil into the world? No. Everything that appears, including the human race with all of it's ignorance and knowledge, beauty and ugliness is the perfect expression of the infinite. It is all the only way it can be. Humans have done what any species would do given our capabilities. It is leading to a mass-extinction event as have happened before in Earth's history. We ARE a mass-extinction event. At the same time, many people are waking up to the fact that we aren't separate from nature or eachother. Whatever happens, though, is the appearance of God. Every human with all of their particular quirks and traits is the expression of the divine. Even the sense of individuality, the ego, is a totally impersonal arising.

There is no way you can lose oneness. You can be ignorant of it but that doesn't mean you aren't part of it. Whatever you think you are, you are God playing a role. To harm another or to harm the planet is to harm yourself. There's no point in making an image of any of this. The awareness by which you know the world is the absolute. You are that without question.

*

All categories are arbitrary intellectual constructs. There is no mind or body or any "thing" for that matter. There is only the living light of awareness that appears as the universe of form while still retaining its pristine, incorruptible essence. 

This is already the case and cannot be made "more so" by the efforts of an imaginary separate entity.

Conversations with Avant-garde Sages

I will be on the radio show, Conversations with Avant-garde Sages on WCOM 103.5 FM Chapel Hill and Carrboro, NC on Tues Nov 15th from noon to 1pm. They stream the broadcast online as well. They have shows every Tuesday, schedule here. Enjoy!