The thought that "life is a dream" is a dream.

Where would all of the thoughts of all of the sages of all of the ages be without a breathable atmosphere and oxygenated brain? We can talk about a disembodied "Absolute" and how life and nature are "unreal" but would such thoughts exist, COULD such thoughts exist without the body, brain and the environment that supports it? If we weren't abstract-thinking animals, these kinds of statements/discussions wouldn't hold any attraction for us. Try to talk to a cow about emptiness or "The Absolute" - it will just continue eating grass.

The Root Belief

The ego (self-image) is the root belief - all of the others are offshoots. From this image of separation, gods are born, "enlightenment" is conceived, Hells and heavens in all of their threat and promise are imagined. The seeker is also born - the one seeking reunion. As long as the premise of a separate self isn't seen through, the search will go on. One can pray, meditate, stand on their head, self-flagellate, follow a guru, create religions, chant "hari-krishna," ring bells, burn incense, become a beggar, devote their life to causes, fight for truth, give it all away, fast, find god, lose god, etc. When the self-image is seen as the flimsy, fickle construct it is, what was considered outside of oneself collapses into the singularity too. We were never apart from the universe or natural process. The lonely ego and lonely deity it imagined outside of itself collapse into oneness as well. 

Of course these words are just another possible description and perspective - like all words. The only reason we get so caught on them is our specie's penchant for abstract, symbolic thinking. If there is a "reality," it's only found beyond the words and images. Burn the maps. Only when we're truly lost are we truly found. The ego-idea hates this kind of talk, though - it wants security, something it can never have. It can't even appear to exist outside of thought.

The Birthplace of Gods

The birthplace of gods, religion, politics, money, wars, anxiety, inventions, philosophies, justifications, dreams, hopes, fears, depression, self-images, solutions, wishes, values, greed and separation.

The virtual reality it constructs is the only place where separation seems to exist.

(Illustration by Mark Ravitz)

Ramana Maharshi and the Cult of "Pure Awareness."

Who is THE definitive poster boy of modern Advaita Vedanta (Non-Duality), beloved by traditionalists and progressives alike? Without a doubt it would have to be Ramana Maharshi. For those who have been living in a hermit's cave for the last several decades, Ramana had a panic attack when he was 16 years old, described here in his own words:

"...a sudden violent fear of death overtook me. There was nothing in my state of health to account for it, and I did not try to account for it or find out whether there was any reason for the fear. I just felt "I am going to die" and began thinking what to do about it. (...)

The shock of the fear of death drove my mind inwards and I said to myself mentally, without actually framing the words: "Now death has come; what does it mean? What is it that is dying? This body dies." And at once I dramatized the occurrence of death. I lay with my limbs stretched out stiff as though rigor mortis had set in and imitated a corpse so as to give greater reality to the inquiry. I held my breath and kept my lips tightly closed so that no sound could escape, so that neither the word "I" nor any other word could be uttered. "Well then," I said to myself, "this body is dead. It will be carried stiff to the burning ground and there burnt and reduced to ashes. But with the death of this body am I dead? Is the body I? It is silent and inert but I feel the full force of my personality and even the voice of the 'I' within me, apart from it. So I am Spirit transcending the body. The body dies but the Spirit that transcends it cannot be touched by death. That means I am deathless Spirit." 

After this transformative experience, Ramana maintained silence for many years before eventually being recognized as a guru and having an ashram built up around him. He passed away in 1950.

Among many modern spiritual folks, it seems that Ramana is held in even higher esteem than the iconic and ever-popular Jesus Christ or Gautama Buddha. From all accounts, he was a really nice guy and that probably makes him more of a lightning rod for worship than many modern gurus who have been caught taking part in one or more criminal behaviors. A thriving tourist trade has sprung up around Ramana's ashram in Thiruvannammalai, India and pictures and quotes of his flood social media. The core of his philosophy is that we are an absolute, transcendental Self (capitol "S") that is synonymous with pure awareness. This is the same idea as the ancient Hindu concept of Brahman - the singular, unchanging, timeless reality.

I was once a believer in these concepts but part of my personal experience was a deep, spontaneous questioning of all of the things I accepted as truth. Then I realized that I had just internalized another conceptual system by accepting the tenets of non-duality. I find it impossible to believe any of these absolutist statements anymore so, when I hear my friends discussing them, I recognize the same religious fervor I once held for these ideas. I was also once very good at explaining these beliefs to others and could often cause them to have an "aha" moment and corresponding dopamine rush. Some might even call it an "enlightenment" experience! Many people came to me to talk about these things when I was speaking about them with certainty. Now I wonder if the fascination with "transcendence" is really just hopeful thinking and wish fulfillment. 

I felt, as many do who come in contact with the concepts of Advaita Vedanta, that I had reached "the end of the road" and that I had finally encountered "absolute knowledge." One hallmark of the form is extremely grandiose statements expressed with total authority. "I was never born and I will never die." "I am infinite, timeless awareness." "I am the Truth beyond all appearances." "I am the unchanging reality." When I was really taken with these ideas, I would tell them to my wife and she'd point out that they sound like the insane ramblings of a complete megalomaniac.

Today a friend posted some of these types of statements and, in the resulting discussion, Ramana was quoted and later in the conversation I wrote, "so many beliefs and philosophies are just the fear of death in action." Then I remembered Ramana's "awakening" story and it dawned on me that his entire philosophy was born in the fear of a panic attack!

If you've never had a panic attack, it is a powerful, visceral experience. The easiest way to describe it is the total, overwhelming fear of imminent death. I had many panic attacks in 2013 due to adrenal exhaustion. I eventually got rid of them by nutritional therapy and lifestyle changes but I can still remember their intensity. I often wonder if most "transcendental" beliefs are rooted in the fear of death, for example - the Christian belief in heaven. How different is it to believe that you are a birthless, deathless, eternal "Self"? This idea can feel really good but does it have anything to do with reality? I don't know, and I would be willing to bet Ramana didn't either. Why would we assume that any other human being is closer to truth than us or has esoteric knowledge that we lack?

I'm not saying this is necessarily the way it was but bear with me for a moment... WHAT IF, as a boy Ramana was faced with the idea of death and his young mind couldn't handle the overpowering fear? WHAT IF his entire philosophy was built on the DENIAL of this fear and an escape into wishful "magical" thinking? In his "awakening" story, it says his limbs went stiff and he imagined what it was like to be dead but was he REALLY dead? Of course not.

What do we really KNOW about death? Most of us know what it can look like from the outside but what do we ACTUALLY know about what the experience is like? Yes, we can believe what one "authority" or another has said about it but what do we KNOW about it? I will admit that I don't know ANYTHING about it and that suits me just fine. It seems we can only fear our IDEAS about what we don't know. No ideas = no fear. 

In all of the absolutist concepts, I find a denial of one's unknowing and of one's mortality, I also find a denial of the mercurial, ever-transforming nature of the observable universe. What if the idea of an absolute is just a false refuge for a mind in fear? We see what believers through history have done to protect their beliefs, their certainty. People were burned at the stake for even daring to question the "absolute" knowledge of those in power and still are today. 

These bodies are going to die. My Mother died last December and I went through the whole process with her, excluding the actual moment of her death (she was being cleaned by a nurse when it happened). It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions and experiences. I can see how someone faced with the heaviness of what is happening might want to cling to some comforting beliefs but I have deeply believed and then let go of so many things. What are we REALLY certain about? What if the whole human religious and spiritual enterprise is born in the inability to experience life as it is WITHOUT trying to explain the shadows away? What if we FACE the fact of death and recognize that we don't really know about what it's like to die? Why should we want to deny the natural cycles of birth and death? I told my Mom that consciousness either continues after death or it doesn't and that neither option is that bad. I won't claim to know the answer either way.

In my life, there have been what have felt like profound insights. The first was the recognition that there is something deeper to me than who I thought I was. This aspect can be called consciousness or awareness (among other things) and it must be present for us to experience anything. Many in the Advaita Vedanta movement apparently see this fact and then somehow imagine that this awareness is apart from life. Ironically, this venerated "Pure Awareness" is just another dualistic conceptualization. Life is everything happening, INCLUDING awareness. If we look at our own experience we don't find consciousness apart from what is perceived. In the name of "non-duality," many just imagine another form of separation - "Pure Awareness" from the rest of existence. Though I once believed in this division, this is not my direct experience. 

I can see that often, when we recognize the uncertainty inherent in life we reach out for something "eternal." In seeing death and pain, we seek a way to transcend these and there are plenty of philosophies and religions that claim to offer such transcendence, the cost of admission is belief in the system. Non-duality is no different. Once I started seeing that my new found "absolute truth" was merely just another conceptual system and started sharing these realizations, one of my friends who was still a believer asked me, "What happened to you, you used to be so clear?" I responded, "Every orthodoxy must have it's heresy." I understand the fear that would lead one into absolutist concepts. I have shared this fear. Now I find total security in letting go of the concepts. I see all of our beliefs about the nature of reality as mental poison and avoid them like the plague. Some of the poison is very sweet tasting but toxic, nonetheless. 

We over-thinking primates easily get lost in descriptions. We mistake our concepts for actuality. In my opinion it's so much easier if we can suspend our beliefs and just be openly aware of what is happening. As far as I can tell, our own life experience is the closest we will ever get to any sort of "truth."

I'm not saying that Ramana was wrong, how could I know one way or the other? Many seem to enjoy is teachings and I think there's merit in that, I'm just asking why we should accept the word of ANY external authority as gospel Truth. Instead of parroting ancient, dead "wisdom," I personally feel that we would be better served by looking at life for ourselves. For me, the greatest realization was how little I actually know. It was earth-shaking in it's implications and it freed me from a great many illusions that I had up to that point called "Truth" (with a capitol "T" - of course)!

Obviously I'm no more of an authority than you or anyone else, just sharing the way I see things. I try to keep an open mind towards whatever it seems like life is showing me at the moment. Whatever our beliefs about the nature of life and the universe are, there is so much beyond them.

Getting high on concepts

I used to get high off of the words. Nothing got me higher than the concepts of Advaita Vedanta, that I am an absolute, eternal reality beyond birth, death, time and space. I would have these concepts flying through my head at the speed of light and I got higher and higher and higher. Then, one day, the plug was pulled. I don't know why. Maybe there was or wasn't a reason, but it was shown to me that all of my so-called "absolute" knowledge didn't amount to a hill of beans. I came face to face with my own cluelessness. I had such an unsettled feeling then and such a thankful feeling about it now. It's great when you can die to all of the ideas of others that you've gathered in your life and just be yourself without having to explain to yourself or others who that is. I really don't know. Now I just enjoy living each day for itself. I don't take it for granted that I have another day, I may not. Enjoying the experiences of this life. Enjoying being a father and community member. Enjoying trying to make a better life for my family. Enjoying friendship and fellowship. Enjoying the seasons and the weather. Sunny days and snow showers. Really happy to be here.

The source of disappointment

We live in an uncertain universe--no secret there. Life seems to be in a constant state of unceasing transformation. People and situations come and go from our lives. Expecting things to go in a certain way or others to behave how we think they should is setting ourselves up for disappointment. It isn't the person or the situation that has let us down but our clinging to the idea of how things "should" be. Life isn't compelled to play by our rules. It almost seems like life takes a special delight in questioning our assumptions and shattering our expectations. Ultimately, this is a beautiful thing. Life is a great teacher and by the time we breathe our last breath we'll likely have a PhD in letting go.

A letter to a friend

"What kind of universe is this that people get tortured, children die, there's war and disease, and everything lives only by death?"

I'm not sure if there's any answer to this question, at least not a "true" one. It's obvious that there must be varying qualities for life to be experienced. We just want to be rid of the unpleasant half of the equation but that doesn't seem in any way possible. What certain people have realized is that the majority of our discontent comes from our thinking process. It's unlikely that the uncertain essence of life will fundamentally change but if we can drop our assumptions, expectations and beliefs about it, maybe we can meet and even embrace it as it is. 

For me there have been a few of what could be seen as major "awakenings." The first was to the simple fact of consciousness, the second was the realization of the folly and fallibility of knowledge and the third was the recognition that this too--this present life, as we know it, is the perfect expression of nature, just like a pine cone, that we humans are just another species trying to do what every over species does--trying to thrive. This is one of the things that can happen with cosmic stardust.

A few weeks ago, I was experiencing some new parent hell. There was no point in trying to avoid it, that would only make the suffering worse. There is some challenging shit that comes up in life, no point in trying to deny that. It seems though that everything that we live through has the potential to wake us up to another, perhaps formerly unknown realm of experience and to expand our understanding and compassion. Seeing what my mom has gone through has helped me empathize with old people and seeing what me and MJ have gone through has helped me empathize with parents.

Leaving questions unanswered

Who am I? What is the meaning of life? I think most human beings have asked these questions at one time or another in their lives. There is the bustling marketplace of belief where a great many answers to these questions are peddled with unflinching conviction but one thing that can be asked of all of those offering such wares - how do you KNOW?

For years I sought security in an image of self. Of course I preferred to have a good self image but when something within me would prove that image wrong, I felt crushed and destroyed. A negative self image isn't satisfying either and it can be proven false at any time as well. Now I try to live in the moment and see what it is showing me. All kinds of thoughts and feelings make their appearances. Now I experience life (which includes ourselves, of course!) not as a thing that can be known or comprehended but as being constantly revealed. It's strange how satisfying I find NOT thinking I have the answers.

To me, life is a great mystery. In the emptiness of mind, there is an effortless way of being. Fear is absent as there is no projecting into the unknown happening--there is only what is present. What is present? The only way to know is to be present--preconceptions and assumptions are no help here. It is an ever-unfolding journey. One has no idea where the next step will take them. It is a beautiful journey and I am filled with much gratitude. Even the rough parts of the road reveal hidden treasures and new depths. Expect the unexpected!

Thinking about death...

This morning I woke up thinking about death (a rarity for me these days) and it occurred to me that death is only experienced as a problem if you think about it. What do we really know about death, other than the second-hand ideas we've picked up from one source or another? When I was younger, there was a time when I was obsessed with dying so I read as much about near-death experiences as I could since I figured that they are the closest that we have to firsthand accounts of what it's like to die. I tried to wrap my head around these accounts and come up with a viable explanation for them but really, the more I read the less I could explain them. Now I find it more pleasing or at least, less dis-easing, to not have any preconceptions--I'll find out what death is when I get there (or not).

Looking back on my little stint as a non-duality enthusiast, I can see that often our ideas about being eternal awareness or any such concepts may simply be a coping mechanism for the underlying fear of death. Afraid of non-existence and the relentless river of change that is life, we imagine and cling to the belief in an absolute, unchanging "Self" (with a capitol "S," of course!) that is untouched by anything that happens to us. I can't say with any certainty whether there is such a thing or not but it smacks to me of denial--it denies the unceasing transformation that we experience life as.

The hungry ghost of the conceptual self wants a meal (intellectual Truth) but an imaginary self could only eat an imaginary meal. Truth isn't known, only lived. Learning about ourselves and life is a never-ending journey. It is a constant revelation. Any concepts we cling to only mask what is actually taking place in this moment. It takes a very open mind and heart to be with life without armor and boundaries, then there is only life and no "me" that is believed to be apart from it. This state of openness isn't achieved but is found to be effortlessly present when we quit mistaking thoughts for reality.

Wonder

When I look in my son's eyes, I see pure, undiluted wonder. As we grow older, it's hard for us to imagine being back at the beginning, looking at the universe with fresh, unjaundiced eyes but, for him, it is the only way to see. It seems we can access that same sense of wonder any time, no matter how old or young we are, by suspending our knowledge and beliefs about the nature of life.

"Ooh, it makes me wonder..." - Robert Plant

Ob La Di

Life goes on. Any conceptual footholds that I once might have taken refuge in are washed away by the flow. I am a father now. Indescribable seeing that little one born, the tiny chest heaving... life goes on.

After his birth, it struck me that many absolutist and transcendent philosophies (such as Advaita Vedanta and certain schools of Buddhism) are rooted in a fear of living. They call the world an illusion and tell the seeker of peace to control their passions and cultivate detachment. The approach could be summed up--"nothing touches." I like coming at it from the opposite angle. Instead of denying life and calling it "unreal,“ seeing that everything touches, living the reality of constant change and transformation. Detachment is a cowards way. Why seek some philosophical or physical opiate to dull one's feelings? Why not feel deeply? Is there actually a separate self that can withdraw safely into itself at all or is there only living, in it's fullness and completeness? The true path of transcendence is into the heart of life, not away from it.

This is an imperfect, linguistic representation my view at the moment, subject to change, of course!

Spiritual Self-Reliance

I am now negotiating with Non-Duality press to publish "Myth of the Ego" and my latest book, "Spiritual Self-Reliance" together in one volume. Since I wrote "Blessed Disillusionment," there have been many changes in my personal life and the way I see things. I passed the manuscript for SSR to them a few days ago so it's very fresh material for me and illustrates where I'm at currently.

Here's something I posted on facebook last night about being in love with the mystery of life:

"Free from belief in limiting concepts, I live as unbounded life. No safety net. No tightrope. The wholeness of life in this moment lives itself as me. No position to be defended or forced. No shortfall or surplus. This, just as it is, enough. No description necessary to be. The mystery fills the horizon and circumference of space in even the quietest moments. The fact of existence itself, absolutely inexplicable. Nothing to buy or sell. It blows my mind how nothing I know. Eyes look outward again and again in wonderment. This is impossible. Entirely. Entirety. Eternity."

Love.

Things have changed!

Since the last time I posted, my outlook has changed considerably. Over a couple of decades of seeking, I managed to internalize a lot of ideas. I find that clear seeing requires not being under the sway of ANY concepts, no matter how "spiritual" they are or good they make us feel. Though the philosophy of Advaita (non duality) is often seen as the "end of the road" I found myself even questioning that set of concepts and beliefs. At a certain point it struck me how little I actually know. It was very humbling because it was clear to me that, in that moment, I knew NOTHING yet I still WAS. It became clear to me that, for adherents of it, even non duality is a belief system. Admittedly, it can be a powerful pointer--the very notion that nothing is separate, but I find myself to be most clear when NO ideas are clung to.

I have shared this realization with some non duality folks on facebook and it has mostly gone over like a fart in church. We of course get invested in our identities, even when the identity is the idea that we don't have an identity!

Existence doesn't require any thoughts or descriptions, these mental formulations are secondary and this is where most if not all of the problems in our lives lay--that we mistake ideas for truth.When that quits happening life is experienced as wholeness. All divisions lie in thought. Of course there is no actual separation between consciousness and what appears within it: life.

It is easy to speak absolutely when one has learned how to. Nisargadatta did this very often. Though I have found much of what he said to be helpful, I have to question if he actually knew with absolute certainty everything he was saying... I doubt it!

"Myth of the Ego" nearly done

My second ND work, "Myth of the Ego" is nearly done. I project that, with an introduction, etc, that it will be around 100 pages. It has been a simple, easy process--basically a case of automatic writing. Ideas came "down the pipe" fully formed and I just wrote them down. It seems that there has been no or at least very little personal involvement.

I met some nice folks yesterday who are interested in "the subject". I told them midway through our discussion that talking about the subject with earnest people always makes me feel high as a kite. The illusion (of separation) is seen through, revealing the ever-present being/consciousness/bliss.

I also got some very sad news about a family friend who died and I cried like a baby. I would like to help dismantle the idea that when one lives life (mostly) not believing in the self image/ego idea, there is no more sadness and life becomes our image of perfection. Consciousness is challenging and presents a lot of complex situations and scenarios. The only way, in my humble opinion, to navigate it happily is to have a very simple approach. NOTHING could be simpler than the open, crystal-clear, field of awareness. No matter what traumas and dramas afflict us in life, it is unscathed, available and omnipresent. It is peace in the seeming chaos of life. By grace it is shown that this serenity is always available, here and now, as what I AM. Also, it is known that it is OK for the human element to express itself as it does. There is not one atom or particle of creation that exists on its own in a vacuum--all is one. There is no division between awareness and the world that appears within and of it.

A new book

I'm working on a new book to be titled "The Myth of the Ego". My aim is to show the ego idea for the hollow concept that it is. I'm thinking it'll be around 60 pages and hopefully printed on hemp paper as I see that great plant as a solution for many of the problems facing humankind. I'm not sure how long it will be before the book is released but material is coming "down the pipe" quite quickly. I am wanting this book to have a more ecological bent, showing how belief in the ego idea is the cause of much environmental destruction and discord. Much of the book will be short sayings. I am trying to pare the language down to the most essential. Stay tuned!

Death

Should I fear death and the dissolution of the body?

No. We were never a body to begin with. No object ever existed except as a movement of the light of consciousness. Our nature is clear, timeless, immaterial, unmanifest. Though the appearance of forms arises from and within our spacious field of knowing, we are not, nor were we ever limited to any form. Form is the expression of the formless. The finite is the appearance of the infinite. The particular is the expression of the universal. Time is the appearance of the timeless. We are that universal, infinite being and not subject to such things as birth, death or decay.

Clarity IS

Clarity IS, regardless of whatever thought story is currently appearing in it, even a tale of abject suffering and confusion. It takes the clarity--the empty, knowing presence--that spacious, aware void, for anything to appear. It is that very absence that expresses itself as every thing. It is present and absent at the same time. This is amazing beyond words. Grace and gratefulness gush out of this void. It is love. To be that without identification with the obfuscating belief in division is bliss.

Concepts and other forms arise like clouds in front of the sun. They all pass and the sun still shines. The sun gives rise to them and also burns them away. This all happens without any personal involvement.

Suffering under the idea of isolation leads to the urge to escape and seeking is born. One doesn't enjoy the sensation of limitation and rightly so--it is a dis-ease! Seeking will play itself out, sooner or later when one sees that the isolation isn't real, that one was never apart from the infinite, that there is ONLY THAT. You realize that, as the infinite, you were playing a game with yourself and that all of the drama, pain and suffering were because of an identification with form and misapprehension of one's true nature as clarity. The seeing is the being is the knowing--non-conceptually. This is inevitable as it is already the case.

Am I really awakened?

Sometimes, upon hearing of other folk's enlightenment stories, the thought will arise: "Am I really awakened?" and then, "Of course not. Where is there a 'me' for such a thing to happen to?"

If you meet Ramana on the road, kill him.

As of NOW, I am officially saturated with Ramana Maharshi quotes. While it's true that he had a great, simple way of expressing things, to deify him and think that he had something that we don't is a HUGE mistake. His life was no more sacred than yours. You are no less a perfect expression of the infinite than he was. He is kind of the ultimate non-duality poster boy with his ascetic, slender body and loin cloth but it would be silly to make some kind of template out of his image, to assume that his lifestyle made him closer to God/truth than we are. I very much respect Ramana, his eloquent pointers and his (reportedly) kind demeanor but I don't worship him as any holier than anyone else. Love is reverence for everything, the innate knowing that life in ALL of its expressions is sacred.

I am a "liver", I like to enjoy life. It is no more sacred to meditate in a cave than to have a beer in a pub. Both appearances are expressions of the unmanifest, the aware emptiness at the heart of life. That anything appears at all is amazing! It is a fabulous, inexplicable miracle.


Wherever you are,
well there you go,
you've got to admit,
it's a hell of a show!

Words

When we let go of words, they come back to serve us.

There are times when I think about talking about non-duality or answering questions and, in these moments, I struggle to find the right words to express it. There might be some "cookie-cutter" non duality platitudes that I think to myself: "It's all oneness" or whatever. It's a pointless exercise. I find the clearest expressions come through when one lets the words come out by themselves. The unprepared answer is the most honest and applicable to the situation or question. One becomes a conduit for speaking and finds that they can express things that they don't even consciously know. The conscious mind can hold an amazing amount of information but it is still and always limited. The empty awareness holds ALL knowledge and experience, I find that it can express itself better than an imaginary "me" ever could.